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I want to change our lifestyle, right now we are a SAHM/disabled and FT working dad and I would rather be “poorer” and have my partner around as he misses so much that goes around here with our two kids. In the years before I met my partner and had kids I worked in child care, both as center staff and nanny in individual households. You touch on something in your essay that few if any ever do and that is the necessity of paying lower income women to do the childcare (and other tasks too I suppose). Were I paid as a child care staff anything near what the parents who dropped their kids off every day were paid, there would be no purpose for them to go to work. So I and my co-workers had to be paid much much less in order for working parents to profit enough to make the job worthwhile. No one talks about this, a lot has been said about WalMart and how they maintain their low prices by keeping an underclass of people who will never get ahead as employees but the same could be said, in my experience anyway, for the people doing the childcare. The highest wage I made was 7.15 and hour, and some of us relied on subsidized health care and food stamps. There is a high turnover in daycare for a reason, but I don’t think the amswer is more government subsidy as unpopular an opinion that is for me to hold. I don’t know what the answer is, but when both parents work out of the home someone poorer than them has to take up the job and is this not classism? What is the solution? I see a lot written about “well we just need more *quality* day care” but what does that mean? I won’t ask the forbidden question, you know the one, about what might be best for children or what they themselves might want.

Anyway back to the piece you wrote. I am going to start making some changes around here. The first step is to utilize whatever help might be available (soft second mortgage, HUD, etc) to get us our own place with enough land to grow a little bit and maybe sell at the local farmer market. What a task. Then I want to get my partner at home with me by any means possible. A home office so he can telecommute? There is a tax benefit to that as well. We are going to do it. From where I sit now I feel we have to.

Michelle

I’m a working mother. My husband will be quitting his job next month, once we get through a financially rough period due to moving. We chose this because we get more than enough money just by having me working, but with my husband working we wouldn’t be able to afford health care.

I have had people tell me that my husband should be allowing me to stay home. That he should work two jobs to support me. Or that I should work part-time. This article explains why I do not: it is how we maximize our time as a family.

We do not need a father who is never home. We do not need a father working an inflexible schedule and a mother also balancing home and work. For us, a stay-at-home dad and a mother with a flexible, well-paid job works well. We have weekends together, and since my job is flexible I can start work at 5 or 6 and be home by 3 or 4 in the afternoon, leaving hours to cook, clean, play, and *live* together each afternoon. We are also lucky to have my husband’s mother be very involved in our lives, so the children benefit from the last generation’s wisdom in a way I think many children never can these days.

Because I have a BS in Computer Science, I can earn a good income *and* still get more flexible hours, better maternity options, and a greater understanding of my work / life balance needs than my husband who works in tech support, as well as many women. I am fortunate, and will not waste that good fortune. I hope that climbing the career path will bring many benefits. I hope that gaining skill and knowledge will give me negotiating power to demand the option of working from home, to seek part-time work that meets our expenses, and to generally provide that skill and expertise to others with less impact on our family life.

Thank you for explaining to my head what I already knew in my heart: that the goal is neither to have the mother stay home nor to have a large income, but to have our family remain an active, cooperative, involved family. And especially, thank you for the historical context that gives us a kind and meaningful way to answer those who think differently.

In fact, a good deal of what you write about might be viewed as contradictory to those who grew up in rural environments.

I have the problem that the field I am interested in is very technical. I’m lucky that my husband and I often work together because of our similar background. However, there is just no way I would want to stay home (I did for a while) because child rearing was very dull for me. (I do homeschool part-time, but it’s a very odd arrangement. I do like helping my children learn and spending time with them…but I know that I would never be happy doing it full-time.) Cottage industries and that sort of economy are not what I feel compelled to do. I do think a lot of women could take that route (and men, too!). I agree that being separate as a society is not a good thing…and all the -isms that come from locking people away from each other in groups. I don’t see that women who stay at home are “dumb”…in fact, I think most of them are wonderfully patient and I think their kids don’t know how lucky they are that their mom or dad has made that choice to be with them. But realistically, not everyone can do that. I would never feel fulfilled in taking care of my family when I know that I could have gone on to some great intellectual pursuit. It’s hard to reconcile that with wanting to be with my kids…and I try to make time to be with them more than a lot of people I know…but it would be impossible for me to really pursue my dreams with the sort of solution you’re proposing.

I enjoyed reading it, though…and I’m glad people are putting thought into these sorts of issues beyond blaming women who have made different choices than we have made ourselves.

Thank-you for putting it so well. I will be linking to this soon.

What’s the point of having a community if it doesn’t include children and child raising.

I am constantly amazed at what Sharon and other posters accomplish with children around. I just don’t work like that. I better mother might have brought C. along faster. Right now, I’m thrilled she no longer puts *everything* in her mouth, but if I worked harder, perhaps I could use sissors around her with out her trying to put her hand between the blades.

I think on of the biggest failures of US American life was when we all went into our houses to raise our children in isolation. I’ve gained so much by having friends and family help me, and I like to think that I have helped them in return.

MEA