Like You Mean It…Redux.
Sharon January 1st, 2009
There’s an old Jewish story of a man who comes to a town. He is a righteous man, and he stands up in the town square, and begins to speak about those who do evil, and prevent the perfection of the world. He stands there and points out his finger, and says “It is you who has done this!” The finger falls on a man, and he begins to weep and beat his breast, admitting that this true, that he has done great evil, and he says that he will change his life. Then, the finger falls on another man, this one who protests that yes, he has done evil and badly, but no worse than his neighbors, and he should not be singled out – but yes, he must change, but so must they. And the finger keeps moving, and the villagers alternately weep and express their anger – not that they were charged, but that the speaker does not understand the reason or explanations for their sins. But finally someone notices that the man never looks at the person he accuses, and eventually, a small boy creeps close enough to realize that the man is blind, and has no idea who he is pointing at.
I have to say that the responses to my “Like You Mean It” post have rather brought this to mind. I wrote it with a couple of people in mind – very specific people, who I described as specifically as I dared in the post (since I don’t want to make a personal attack). I wrote:
Now many of the people who are kindest and most supportive of my work, are also people, who, to be blunt, have absolutely no intention of making radical changes in their lifestyle. It is quite common for me to hear someone tell me just how much they love my work, and for it to become absolutely clear in our conversation that while they may well believe in some ways that lives may change, that I may have a point, at a fundamental and deep level they know that they will not be one of those people struggling, and that their ecological impact and choices are perfectly reasonable, and that there is no reason whatsoever to discuss them.
I was thinking of people who have expressed their conviction that I am right, for example, that we are facing a food crisis, but who still haven’t *any* extra food put aside, who have made no preparations at all for difficult times that they say they are convinced are coming. I wondered if I wrote a post about the difficulty of connecting belief and action, I might motivate this very small audience, and I figured one post that didn’t have much to do with my commenting audience wouldn’t matter.
Instead, I hit a nerve, rather like the blind man casting his accusations – because, of course, I phrased things generally, so as not to seem to single anyone out. And the reactions I got ranged from “thanks for the kick in the pants” to “I’ve been trying, and trying, but I guess that’s a fair criticism” to “hey, no that isn’t, I’ve been doing everything I can and now you are asking too much” to “Where the heck does she get off.” And until I came back and read all the responses this morning, I genuinely had no idea that people thought I was talking to them. It seemed to me (and things often seem obvious to the writer that don’t to the reader and vice versa) that I couldn’t possibly be talking about all of you who write in and tell me about all the changes you are making or trying to make. And it clearly seemed to at least some of you as though Sharon had gone off the deep end and was berating you for not believing her enough.
It is a fascinating reaction – and one where I can identify with the other end as well – I’ve had that moment, when someone critiques someone for a sin I believe myself guilty of too, and asked myself “but wait, are they accusing me?” And of course, the sin of not doing enough – well, if there’s someone out there who isn’t suffused with guilt about their own inadequacies, with the sense that they aren’t doing enough in the world to make things right, well, I’ve not met them. All of us, I think (me included) look at what we do most of the time and think “I’m doing almost nothing, it isn’t enough, I’ve failed, I’m insufficient, I should have done it better, harder, smarter…” To me, looking out, mostly at people I know from the comments here or from various forums, it is obvious, clear as a bell that I couldn’t possibly be speaking of most of you who do so much and try so hard. But I also know what it is like to live in a head that constantly is saying “If you really did it right, you’d already have – clearly you are inadequate.” And thus, the temptation to both mea culpa and to anger and frustration that others don’t see I’m doing the best I can.
It was never my intention to poke at that spot on so many people – it never occurred to me that most people would think this post applied to them. And it also never occurred to me – and this is clearly a writerly failure – that so many people would take my suggestion, that people who do agree with me but don’t enact it try and act like *they believe me* as a suggestion that they try and act *like me.* The two are very different things – if you believe difficult things are going to happen (and again, my claim was never that people who don’t agree with me should come to), the next step is to find a way forward. But while I think there are certain actions that should apply to nearly everyone (and there are always exceptions), for the most part, the way forward won’t look anything like my way forward.
That is, most of us will be adapting in our place, in our circumstances, in our particular and very personal lives – and the range of choices and responses has to deal with those circumstances and realities. So while I think nearly everyone should try and grow something, or at a minimum, get involved with their food systems, the range of what that will mean – from a pot in a window to a thousand acres in Nebraska or a dozen acres on a tropical Island or a suburban backyard is quite vast. While I think most of us should be testing the waters of the informal economy, whether we start a cottage industry or consider ways that our current business could be adapted or plan for a long term career change depends on a host of things.
My way forward, for this moment, works for me – and even that is up for grabs, that is, if my circumstances change enough, my present way forward may not be ideal. The question becomes how each of us formulates a useful way forward – without being bound by any sense that there’s one true way that it is “supposed to be.”
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- Comments(19)
In a lot of ways, the way forward feels an awful lot like trying to move around a very dark room – inching along, stubbing toes on something, and trying another direction. With a pressing need to find the bathroom on the other side!
The fact that there is no one right way is the hellish part of this tangle. If there was one right way, it would be a whole lot simpler!
I never thought your first message was aimed at *me* personally because I don’t just agree with you – I’m actually becoming more prepared
It was the rest of the message with the emphasis on the NEED to prepare. Whenever your posts emphasize that need, another bonfire gets lit under my butt. That’s why I love your blog so much. I’d have stayed a couch spud forever without it. Okay, not true, but I certainly wouldn’t be where I am now in terms of preparation. I feel much less worried than I did even a year ago.
Update: Day four of no functional heater. I’m trying to balance use of the space heaters so that they aren’t running constantly but keep it above 45 or so. I could get it a whole lot warmer than that but I don’t want to be such an electricity hog. The water got turned back on after about a day but I’m fascinated with seeing how little water I can use if I have to fill up 5 gallon buckets and only use that. So I can fill the 5 gallon buckets from the house taps now; just means I don’t have to waste gasoline transporting the jugs to my workplace. I’m thinking a whole lot harder about dish washing and litter box cleaning. Pretty exciting.
Happy New Year!
Kerri in AK
Oh, yeah, and it’s -5 F at 11 am. Not projected to get much warmer in the foreseeable future. At least it’s warmer than in the Matsu valley – it’s been -25 to -40 just 50 miles up the road.
Kerri in AK
It continues to confound me how some individuals still are either unable or unwilling to connect the dots — especially as they are getting so much larger and closer together!
Anyone else working on new year resolutions? My partner and I are making lists of changes we intend to implement this year, especially in how we might cut back in the areas of money and energy use. We have also made a comittment to writing “Reduce, Reuse, Recycle” 10 times a day!
Rosalie
in Missouri
i asked the kids last night what they would like to see happen around our place in the new year. both boys, without missing a beat, said they wanted to “increase the farm-like atmosphere and do more along those lines” (my 14 yr olds words) i didnt know what to say. i knew they were going along with my madness and occasionally adding their own ideas… but i hadn’t a solid clue they really LIKE what we’re doing and find value in it.
I never took your comments as accusations, myself. And to those who did I say, “If the shoe fits wear it.” It would seem some could be harboring some guilt, whatever it may be and decided to lash out?? I take your blogs as food for thought, what can I glean, what will help me and my family. Then I pay it forward.
In reply to Stefe …” what can I glean” I have noted a lot of Sharons work as being useful,a lot as non applicable to the climate down here in Australia ,but overall a must read, but to take any of the content as accusations ,never. Regards Peter
Hang in there, Sharon. I’ve been harping on this subject for a couple of years, and despaired of ever seeing real change in people’s lives. If nothing else, the number of responses indicates that perhaps people are finally listening, even if they disagree with you. I’d rather talk to someone who is engaged on the topic, whether they fully agree with me or not, than someone whose only response is a polite shrug.
The thing is that if you want to address just A and B, you should write an email to A and B. If you write an article, then it’ll be to A and B, but it’ll be read as being to C and D and E and so on as well.
“it also never occurred to me – and this is clearly a writerly failure – that so many people would take my suggestion, that people who do agree with me but don’t enact it try and act like *they believe me* as a suggestion that they try and act *like me.*”
It’s certainly a writerly failure, because it wasn’t specified in the article. It’s much better to express the idea you have that different adaptations are required or appropriate for different circumstances, but that some changes are needed from or for everyone; we in the West need to change to lower consumption of all sorts of resources, those in the Third World need to increase their consumption but do it in a renewable way.
I think many people tend to be literalists. That is, they read something and focus on the concrete statements in the article instead of the whole point or picture. So instead of seeing the overarching point that some folks agree but don’t act and it scares you, they take a literal approach and hear, “YOU agree, but arent’ acting!!!”.
Even on Dreher’s site people were arguing against your point of view by stating that we can’t all go live on 100 acre farms in New York. It’s silly, really. And it drives me crazy! because from my point of view it can seem like intentional misreading of your article. But as I’ve journeyed along through life and particularly having worked for the Church for most of my life, I have come to realize that most people really ARE more concrete thinkers and must have more abstract things totally spelled out. And some people are guilt ridden and take anything that smacks of criticism very personally. And some folks just like to pick fights and argue so they chisel out the most obscure point and hammer away at that, intentionally missing the main point.
So take heart. I think you are wonderful and I have always read you as someone trying to communicate ideas about adapting within the confines of the circumstances of our lives. Perhaps the fact that I have to adapt everything I read to the circumstances of living in Alaska has helped me to tease out the main point in any article I read. Perhaps it’s working with people in a religious framework that has taught me so much about communication and personal response to it. But I heard you just the way you wanted to be heard the first time.
As many writers are, you seem to be very sensitive to the responses of your readers, very concerned that you don’t hurt them while simultaneously challenging and calling them on. My son is a writer too and also quite tender not only TO his readership, but also about HOW he is received. Just knowing and accepting that you will “feel” a bit of angst from time to time will help I think. Also I think many writers, like Dreher, have to develop a thick skin to some extent. He and I connected because of the fact that we both converted from conservative Catholic to Eastern Orthodox. Rod suffered some vitriolic verbage as a result and I stand in awe of his thick skinned, compassionate response. I learned a lot from him that helped me deal with our Catholic family and friends as our family made the crossing.
And on a completely different thread…the goat sex article was the funniest thing I’ve read in a long long time. You really know how to string words together, Sharon!!!
Huh. Go figure. When I read your “Like You Mean It” post, I immediately thought, “I have the feeling Sharon is trying to address a few individuals that she knows personally.”
This is funny to me because usually I’m a little too quick to take things personally, but I didn’t take this one personally at all. And then a whole bunch of other people did. Is it possible that I’m learning to manage my deeply ingrained sense of inadequacy?!
I went through and read all of the comment regarding the first post – really good points and I like it when people disagree with you Sharon, and I think you do too. Really, there is a lot of ass kissing…That said, I took none offense to the post what so ever but am one of those people who like to read more than actually get out and do. A few months ago, I was in the same position as Crunchy – with a $3500 mortgage. It sounds insane, but its just not that unusual around here. But, I decided to get rid of the house. There are much less expensive ways to live – rent if you must, but getting our costs under control is part of the planning. Isn’t that a huge part of buying in to what you are talking about here?
It’s kind of surprising that so many people did take this personally. Normally people have the opposite reaction – in any case where a broad j’accuse is made, they nod and agree, “Yes, everybody else is a jerk.”
(For example, every poll on driving gives the same result – people consider most others to be bad drives, but themselves to be above average.
Or more relevant to today – when economic times are looking not-so-good, usually people tell pollsters that things are getting worse in general, but they still believe that things will get better for their own family.)
Then again, since the readership here is a self-selected, presumably more responsible and intelligent group, maybe having the opposite reaction isn’t so surprising.
On the doing-something-to-change front, here’s one of those laugh-to-keep-from-crying blurbs (linked from chrismartenson.com):
~~~~~
Piggy banks fly off shelves in freshly frugal U.S.
WASHINGTON (Reuters) – Recession-wary Americans embraced the virtues of thrift this Christmas, with stores reporting a clear rise in the popularity of piggy banks.
“We have been selling coin banks really well,” said Laura Kellner at Kikkerland Design Inc. in New York City, whose stylish chrome pig is priced at $31. ~~~~~
I think that speaks for itself, why most people are simply doomed. Even when they have the right idea, in the execution they simply can’t help themselves – they’re insane.
Kyle, I don’t entirely agree with you, actually. I write all the time to smaller segments of my audience – to people with children, or people with disabled children, to people with houses or without houses, etc… And variations on the same problem come up all the time – someone says “but wait, you didn’t deal with…” Or “there’s nothing here for me because I’m not….” Or, as in your case, they attempt to fit an analysis that bothers them into an analytic category that doesn’t really apply. I am perfectly willing to mention my limits as a writer, but there are also readerly problems here – the tendency to jump to conclusions, for example.
Nor do I think that email is the answer – we respond differently to direct and private communication than to public communication. The medium matters as much as the message itself – I think you know that too. I don’t think any profound harm was done by a few people misunderstanding me – and it is possible some small good will be done.
Sharon
Sharon, I’m glad to know you weren’t taking your entire audience to task. But that post, the new year, and with some other things I’ve been reading made me decide I need to take on some new things. I think a large part of it is the new presidential administration; if I want changes from them, I have to make some of my own. Once again, this year, I am going to try to make my bike part of my transportation repertoire.
I doubt you’ve driven anyone off of your blog. Thanks for the unintended kick in the pants.
Perhaps the confusion was due to your last few paragraphs wherein it appeared you were addressing all of your readers:
“And because of that worry, I’m just going to ask this. As you go through and make your resolutions to be a better person next year, consider this one. Resolve to spend five minutes a week asking “what if I actually had to not just say Sharon might be right, but act it, live life like I meant it?” You can still think that I’m a little over the edge, I don’t mind, heck you can even praise me less and complain about me more for making demands of you. But I admit, I’d sleep better knowing that you’d covered yourself, just in case. Because somehow the strange scenarios don’t seem quite as strange any more.
…. But if there’s a little part of you that thinks that just possibly I might not be, try, for a bit, to live it like you mean it. I’ll let you yell at me later if I wasted your time, promise
.”
So, that’s why I was asking, what you do mean by “living life like you mean it”. How does it pertain to the rest of the post and/or other posts.
It’s ironic, isn’t it, that the post had been meant for folks who nod in agreement that changes are needed yet they don’t do them, but the poeple who took it as an admonishment are the ones who actually are in the process of making changes as you suggest.
When I originally read the post it reminded me of my youth, watching the folks in church who would nod in agreement with the pastor, tsk tsk when others did things that the pastor said were “bad” but made absolutely no effort to look at themselves to see how they too met the criteria for the “bad” that the pastor had railed about. Some people have no capacity to see their own behavior from another’s viewpoint. There’s a disconnect between knowing and actually doing, like a lack of guilt or something. Mirrors only work for people open to seeing the reflection.
Also, there are plenty of people who have a great capacity for denial. Because, see, THEIR jobs are secure. Nothing is going to happen to them, or someone in their family. Troubles happen to other people, not THEM. Until it does. It’s good to keep trying to open their eyes to their vulnerabilities, but only they can actually look inward and make the acknowledgement of what is there.
Thanks for the post, Sharon. I guess you’ve gotten an unexpected peek into what your Rabbi gets more than he’d like, eh?
Shelley wrote: “Even on Dreher’s site people were arguing against your point of view by stating that we can’t all go live on 100 acre farms in New York. It’s silly, really.”
You, Sharon, present your self-sufficient rural life as a “lifeboat” for your own family, but acknowledge that it is neither attainable nor necessary to survival for many of us (though I think you overestimate how many could do it). However, for decades the survivalist movement, which has now chosen peak oil as the apocalypse du jour, has insisted that everbody who doesn’t want their families to “starve to death” must immediately move to a remote rural area. The great majority of us who can’t are usually portrayed as worthless “sheeple” who deserve our inevitable horrible demise. This sort of hatred seems so common in the preparedness movement that anyone promoting rural subsistence is suspected of harboring delusional fantasies of townie eradication. YOU don’t, but you get the backlash from an ugly horde who do.
I keep forgetting to say thank you so this post seems like a good one to do it with. Thanks to you, I started putting up water. We have an extra fridge turned on for storing apples right now, so I had the freezer full of old milk gallons. We had a need for it just a month or so after putting some in there and I was so delighted! Our main fridge stopped cooling. I simply rotated frozen milk jugs into it for a few days until we could get someone out to fix it. This was before winter hit, and the downstairs fridge doesn’t actually keep things cold enough (good enough for apples, not for perishables) so we would have lost most of our fridge food if I hadn’t been saving water.
Your encouragement to go ahead and use milk jugs and soda bottles got me to start storing water just in time!