But What Will We Eat at the Apocalypse Now?

Sharon November 20th, 2012

There are, of course, a lot of critical issues going on right now, and you can count on your blogiste to keep you up on them.  Besides the fallout from Sandy, crisis of arctic sea ice and all the agricultural issues that need to be brought to the  light, what really matter is this:  What are we all going to eat when the zombies come, now that that perfect survival food, the Twinkie, is no longer available.  Particularly since Israel and Gaza seem bent on bringing the zombies in extra-soon, before we have time to properly grieve our loss.

Of course, you could stock up on survival Twinkies, buying the last thousand cases so that you and your family will have a food that can be passed on to your descendants with no reduction (or increase) in quality.  Or you could smuggle them over the border – I’m told that Hostess brands have been licensed to a Canadian company for some time.  This, along with the useful foresight of being a net-energy exporter,  is just another proof that Canadians are much better prepared to survive disaster than we are.

For the millions of Americans, newly aware of the possibility of climate related disaster, or store shelves emptied by gas shortages, however, the question becomes – what survival foods can take the place of Twinkies?  The answer is bleak.  While any number of nutritious, delicious storage foods are available, many of which, properly packed, will not degrade for many years, the category of food that will outlast the human race without noticeable change is now gone.  The species that rise to fill the ecological niche of human beings after our destruction will simply have to evolve without the help of Twinkies, Ho-Hos or even Sno balls (the pink Sno balls, which of course, are  known to actually cause DNA mutations will be particularly missed.)

What does the zombie-ready reader do now?  How do we counteract the growing sense of despair as we are cast back on the traditional resource of whole grains, legumes, nuts, dried fruits and the fruits of our preserving labor, none of which could ever equal either the sugar-high or radiation absorption capacity of the Twinkie.  For the millions of us who had planned to subsist entirely on dry-as-pasteboard “cake” with benzene-flavored “cream” filling, this is a stunning setback.  What WILL we eat as the mutant cockroaches approach?  How can a meal of lentil- kale soup, fresh cornbread and marinated lemon carrots with a dessert of pumpkin-chocolate chip bars ever seem anything but deeply disheartening in the face of our Twinkie-less future?

All I can say is that if you have already come to terms with the knowledge that a stable climate and endless cheap oil are not part of your future, you can work through the unbearable suffering accompanying the knowledge that Twinkies won’t be there for you.  We will soldier on through disaster after disaster, knowing that what is lost can never be reclaimed, enduring the suffering of a diet based on real food.  The pain may never end, and the fear of the future, but humans endure, as the last few, precious, golden Twinkies do, no matter what you do to them.

Sharon

10 Responses to “But What Will We Eat at the Apocalypse Now?”

  1. Claire says:

    Forget Twinkies – it’s Suzy Q’s demise that is the real issue! Fortunately a friend of mine scored one last box at the local bakery thrift store …

  2. Brad K. says:

    I remember my Grandmother saying, “You aren’t hungry if you won’t eat a raw potato.” But she came to the US from Ireland. And potatoes are pretty good.

    Anyway, I have my tortilla chips and salsa, and Wal-Mart store brand fudge brownies. I will miss the Hostess Peach Pies, though.

    Please excuse me, now. I need another glass of water. I hope that isn’t a zombie scratching at my door.

  3. Darlene says:

    What a great way to start the day! Thanks for the laugh! And I’m with Claire , oh those Suzy Q’s!!!

  4. Denise says:

    My husband & I recently cleaned out the home of Aunt Jo. She was an enthusiastic shopper and an avid horder. If something made it into Jo’s house, it never left. It was not unusual for one of us to call out to the other to come see the latest find. While working in the bedroom, my husband called “Mom…you have got to see this…” I ran to his work area to find him holding up a petrified Hostess Twinkie with an expiration date of 20 years ago. It was as hard as concrete, but still sealed in its original plastic wrapper. We were not sure what it would have taken to soften it up, but it looked as fresh as the day it was made:) Sadly, we threw away the Twinkie. Yesterday, we discovered we could have sold the thing on ebay for a substantial sum. Guess Aunt Jo was right…keep everything, even 20 year old Twinkies!

  5. Eleanor says:

    Denise! I laughed so hard I cried!

    Man, I remember those sno’ balls from childhood. I never got any, but I clearly remember a girl (in 3rd grade) who was fond of taking the icing off and holding them to her chest like a brassiere. I guess nothing beats sno’ ball fake boobs. =D

  6. pendantry says:

    I’d be driven out of my mind and into the nearest shopping mall if faced with the prospect of a Twinkies-only diet for the foreseeable future.

    Oreos, though… ;)

  7. pendantry says:

    oops. Missed out the most crucial clause:

    … into the nearest shopping mall in search of fresh meat

    Tim Ing: hero of comedy. (Wish I knew him.)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IhBGFqldAvk

    Remember: zombies can be stopped by removing the head or destroying the brain. I will repeat that: by removing the head or destroying the brain.

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  9. Bekki says:

    :-D I needed a laugh today!

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