Apocalyptic Tidiness

Sharon March 27th, 2012

So after writing a piece on the other blog about how my empty laundry pile is a sign of the end of the world, we had another moment illustrating the principle of apocalyptic cleanliness.

I’ve been spring cleaning for a bit, getting ready for Passover and also doing a bunch of odd jobs I’d been putting off.  One of them involved clearing out a closet where I stash a lot of things I don’t want little kids getting into.  I carefully emptied it out, sorted, boxed and moved things around on Thursday, including my larges stash of “things you can make fire with” – matches, a couple of lighters, a magnesium firestarter for impressing the kids with etc…

The closet wasn’t done and one doesn’t leave matches lying around, so I packed them up and put them away in a nice safe place.  And, what may be my first official “senior moment” as I approach forty, forgot entirely where I put them.

Fast forward to Friday night, we have guests for the Sabbath, and everyone is gathered around the table. My friend is ready to light her candles and then I will light my own.  Except, ummm…we’re basically out of matches, and the couple in the box aren’t igniting.  Ok, no prob, the one thing we know that uber-preparedness chick has is matches, right?

Ummm….I check the closet, then remember they aren’t in the closet anymore.  I look for them in half a dozen places.  Finally, as the minutes tick by and time gets short I have to go down and admit to  my deeply amused friends that Sharon doesn’t know where any of the matches are.  In my whole house, when needed, I can’t find a single way to make fire.

After some jokes about zombies and whether I’m a total poseur or not, Eric finally manages to get one of the sad remaining matches lit and we go about our business.  My friends announce, however, that they are deeply, terribly disillusioned, since they thought they were going to come to my house when the zombies attack.   I note they should probably stop for matches.

Later that night for some reason I look up and realize that I set the box of firestarting material neatly on top of the cabinets in our kitchen, well out of reach of little hands.

The moral of my story?  Never, ever clean anything – the zombies know, and take advantage.


13 Responses to “Apocalyptic Tidiness”

  1. Tara says:

    This is the story of my life, every single day. If we put something somewhere “for safekeeping”, we will probably never see it again!

  2. entrpreneur says:

    Awesome learned something newnow now I’m set for now. Thanks!

  3. Jenn says:

    This sounds not only like my apartment, but also my method of securing important things in safe spaces, which I am always sure are so obvious (and clever!) that I will remember them later when I need to. This actually works maybe 40 percent of the time.

  4. Brittany says:

    It sounds like something I would do. Funny post, I really enjoyed it.

  5. Mud says:

    My mother and I joke that you don’t want either of us hiding things for safekeeping because you will, and neither will we, ever find it. Our methods are so devious that even we cannot remember. It works about 99% of the time for us, never to be found, until there is a move or a death.

  6. Mud says:

    never. Corrrection to my spelling.

  7. dixiebelle says:

    Too funny! My safekeeping spots are always extremely safe & secure, even I can’t find them!

  8. Gabrielle says:

    This made me smile after a long day. Love it!

  9. I did the exact same thing today! Knew I’d put the matches somewhere logical rather than where they have lived for a while (in with my threads, needles and things). Couldn’t find them for ages. Now they are back where they started – at least I have some chance of remembering that!

    viv in nz

    ps senior moments increase with age – I have noticed that!

  10. janine says:

    Regularly gone missing at my house: Matches, hand held can opener, vegetable peeler, siczors, summer clothing in unmarked box in attic, etc. Zombies have also been know to remove purse and car keys when I am on my way out. Loved the idea of keeping matches with sewing supplies – makes perfet sense to me.

  11. Darlene says:

    I used to hide presents at Christmas and find them again in the Spring. There are still things I can not find! So glad I am not alone!! LOL Darlene

  12. Diane says:

    Ha! Years ago, I gave up drinking. A couple of months ago, I had friends over for dinner and they brought a bottle of wine. We searched the premises – no corkscrew. We finally managed to pry the cork out with a Swiss Army knife. So, your zombies will be in the dark and mine will be stone cold sober. :)

  13. Amy says:

    Wait until you get into your fifties – it all gets worse/funnier. I’ve found that it’s better to just leave things where they are if they’ve already been there long enough that I know where the “special place” is.

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