And Not a Single Regret: On Doing the Crazy Thing
admin March 15th, 2011
A lot of people have warned me that our decision to adopt through foster care is completely insane. This I knew. Some people we love are worried about it, and they are probably right to be worried – they certainly aren’t making up the risks.
When I was thinking about how to answer someone who asked me “aren’t you worried that this could be terrible?” I found myself infected with her worries – after all, her questions are perfectly reasonable – and I don’t deny it could be terrible. I can think of a long list of ways it might be – the kids might be so damaged that the placement doesn’t work and we’ll have done more damage to them. Our own kids might hate us for needing to shift attention to other children. Someone might get hurt or damaged. Our lives might become chaos that prevent us from doing everything else we want. I’m actually good at imagining negative scenarios
, as you can probably imagine.
I don’t have an answer to those risks. I don’t deny their possibility. At the same time, my entire adult life can pretty much be described as a history of doing the crazy thing, the risky thing, the thing that made no sense to other people. Our history is one of taking the crazy leap without enough preparation or knowledge – and somehow having it turn out all right. Or better than that.
It was perfectly reasonable for loving people to doubt whether two grad students living in an apartment in one of the most densely populated cities in the US could make a go of a farm. They were right – it was a crazy thing to do. What the hell did we know about farming?
It was reasonable for people to ask whether we were too young and financially insecure to have children. Was it crazy for us to get pregnant? Probably – we were financially insecure, newly married, uncertain.
It was reasonable for people to ask whether we were insane, married only a year with a colicky baby, to take on the care of my husband’s aging and fragile grandparents and buy a place with them. It might have been the unmaking of our marriage, too much stress and strain.
It was reasonable to ask, upon the diagnosis of my oldest child, whether we were nuts to have risked having more children, given that autism runs in families. They were right – another severely autistic child might have been more than we could bear.
It was reasonable for everyone to wonder whether it was crazy for us to start a CSA – after all we’d only had one full gardening year in our new place, had never run a farm business, and we now had a disabled toddler and a baby, as well as building on for Eric’s grandparents. It was hard and it might have been too much.
It was perfectly reasonable to wonder whether I was crazy take on not one, but two book contracts when I’d never written a book – and had four kids under 6, one still a baby. What the heck did I know about writing books?
It was perfectly reasonable to ask whether I had lost my mind when I took on a third book contract before the second one was finished and before any of them had been published (and it would have been even more reasonable to ask that of my publisher
).
What did we know about dairy goats? About slaughtering our own chickens? What did we know about silvopasturing or cisterns? What do we know now about parenting traumatized children?
Most of our friends and family didn’t ask these questions. The miracle is that they were supportive, enthusiastic and generously kept their doubts to themselves, or offered us good critical thought and advice. Still, I don’t doubt they were secretly looking up the requirements for commitment hearings.
Inexplicably, however, miraculously, however, what happened was that all of these things were more successful, led to greater happiness and to better outcomes than we would have expected. The CSA was a howling success. Eric’s grandparents were the joy of our lives and we wouldn’t have traded that time with them for anything. The farm has been the basis of everything we’ve done since. The books weren’t a howling success, but a moderate flow of goodness that still serve us. The children were gifts and delights – autism turned out have more pleasures and gifts than anyone would have expected. Every time something seemed too hard (and on some days it certainly did) the hard was achievable, or manageable. We struggled. We made mistakes. We risked a lot – and in the end, like Edgar Lee Master, had not a single regret.
At the same time, the few occasions when I curtailed my natural insanity and listened to either my doubts or someone else’s didn’t work out that well – I finally left the grad school I’d seen as the “safe” choice for me, the logical outcome, the low-risk career choice. It was safe – but it wasn’t right. The one time someone told my husband and I we couldn’t do something, that it would ruin our lives, and we didn’t is one of my greatest personal regrets.
Does all that history mean that I might not end up regretting all this? Not at all – I make no mystical claims about the influence of the past on the present. This could be the thing that puts us over the edge – and I do have fears and anxieties about adding more kids to my family. But I found it helpful to put together my own history and look at my past and realize that when I’ve taken wild leaps of faith, I’ve never regretted them. I’ve only regretted *not* doing the crazy thing I really wanted to do, not taking the big risk. It is not all the truth that ever was, but it is comforting to know that insanity has its virtues.
Perhaps there are other people out there who would like to do the crazy thing. I cannot promise you it will work. I can promise you that sometimes you will wonder what the heck you were thinking. I do say that if fortune smiles on you, if hard work and good luck can make it happen, the crazy thing has much to be said for it. I’m shooting for what Fiddler Jones had – he was a bad farmer that one, because farming wasn’t his crazy dream like it is mine. But the outcomes, oh, that’s worth having. A broken laugh. A thousand memories. A body and a fiddle or a scythe and shovel worn to broken. And, by and large, not a single regret – at least for the things you took heart and plunged into because they felt right. But you only get to that by risking failure, by risking regret, loss, disaster. Its an irony, but a price well worth playing for.
Sharon