Casaubon’s Book

Sharon May 14th, 2008

In an effort to get the cheerful message “You are doomed unless you put down those car keys” out to the larger public, it occurs to me that leaders in the Climate and Energy Peak fields simply can’t do it alone.  It is true that Peak Oil and Climate Change are now mainstream concepts, but they simply haven’t made into the everyday consciousness that they need to. People keep telling me this will never happen, but clearly, since I can write it, it can ;-).  Any day now.  For this, we need to bring it really mainstream - and here’s how it happens, with pair ups of our favorite environmentalists and pop culture figures. 

In Fiction: 

 JHK and JKR: Now that Voldemort is dead, novelists Kunslter and Rowling collaborate on “Harry Potter and the Greatest Misallocation of Resources in History.”  A new threat is rising among the wizards of Britain - suburban development.  The floo network turns out to be dependent on rapidly depleting wizard energies and brooms on increasingly scarce ash trees.  Harry, Ron and Hagrid (Hermione appears briefly, barefoot, pregnant and offers to serve Harry and Ron wizard tea) fight a scorched earth battle with the dark wizard zoning boards for high density, walkable wizarding communities and the right to keep basilisks for eggs in British backyards.

James Hansen and Harlen Coben: Team up to write a thriller about a scientist who knows that the world is about to undergo a massive climate disaster, but who is repressed by evil government powers.  John Glendale is a courageous scientist at NASA who is chased down by helicopters, CIA agents and a murderous vice president who wish to silence his message that the world must end all coal usage.  Heroically, he succeeds in leaping from Air Force One moments before it explodes, clutching the parachute of his rival, a climate denying novelist with vague resemblances to Michael Crichton.  Wrestling for control of the parachute in mid-air, Glendale sends the Crichton character plummeting to his doom, and after he explodes upon impact, floats gently to the ground to reveal the terrible truth.  George Clooney has already bought the script rights and is anxious to play Glendale.

On the Political Front: 

Gore-Bates ‘2008: Barack Obama, reeling from a sequence of scandals is widely perceived as unable to win, and Hillary doesn’t have the delegates.  So in a shocking, brokered convention, Al Gore is brought in at the last minute as the last democratic hope.  But can he carry the all important permaculture and commune votes?  Questions arise.  So, in a surprise move, his old acquaintance Albert Bates is brought in to lend him credence on peak oil and climate change.  The Bates-Gore team, playing its campaign theme (”You can Call me Al”)  immediately announces plans for radical cuts in emissions, mandatory permaculture training in schools and, to no surprise at all, a pot legalization program.  Gore promises to inhale regularly during his presidency, so he’ll start looking less stiff.  Bates is notably quiet.

Meanwhile, over at the Republican Convention, there are rumblings as well, leading to:

McCain-Simmons ‘2008 - Giddy from his new climate plan, McCain turns his resolute eyes to peak oil, telling campaign staffers “This isn’t bullshit.  We’ve got to get serious about this.”  The call goes out for a Vice-President who can defeat the Gore-Bates team on their own ground, and Matthew Simmons, overwhelmingly proved right on peak oil, is now the man to balance the ticket.  Drawn together by common ground over their rich white-dudeness the two men become fast friends and begin crafting a strategy to wean America off its oil addiction.  After a few Scotches (and no pot), McCain admits that oil wars are a net energy loss, and begins to craft a new national policy that he colloquially calls “Not flushing all that energy shit down the toilet.” Simmons and his lovely wife appear on a Barbara Walters special in which the vice-presidential nominee “Breaks his silence” over his feelings about all the years of CERA’s calling his theory “garbage” - the nation is visibly moved when Simmons weeps on television (and reports of his purchase of glycerine drops are generally dismissed).  Daniel Yergin is publically flogged by an angry mob.

On the Corporate Front:

Crunchy Chicken and KFC: As the rising cost of fertilizer, energy for transport and corn for feed begin to reduce KFC’s profits, they make a desperate attempt to shift their market share.  Widely placed in urban areas where access to healthy, sustainably produced food is poorest, KFC brings in the redoubtable Crunchy Chicken to turn them into an industry leader in access to organic, sustainable food.  Crunchy rapidly has the parking lots transformed to raised bed gardens that produce vegetables for KFC menus, begins buying small lots of free range chickens produced by low income families in urban backyards, and creates her signature dish “The Crunchy Pair on with the Colonel’s special spicy Bok Choy”  It is a howling success, and Crunch next makes a Run for the Border, taking over Taco Bell, and turning it into a low-cost vegan chain that rapidly runs McDonalds into bankruptcy.

In the meantime, the children are not left out. 

Sesame Workshop and Community Solutions join forces to bring the message of _Plan C_ to children in 43 countries around the world.  Pat Murphy joins Elmo in the hit song “C is for Curtailment” while Faith Morgan has a heart-to-heart talk with Cookie Monster about the oil to produce the ingredients for chocolate chip cookies.  Meanwhile, Megan Quinn-Bachman rides in the grouchmobile Smart Jitney with predictable result and relieves Mr. Snuffalupagus of his fear that curtailment means that someone is going to take away his tail. 

Teenagers must be included:

Matt Savinar and American Idol Kelly Clarkson: appear in a low budget summer movie entitled “Nitropak and Me” - in it a young survivalist anticipating the end of the world finds his world overturned by a beautiful young singer who just happens to end up half naked outside is bunker after being set upon by crazed hordes.  Script by Savinar.  Unfortunately, all the duets had to be redubbed, as it appears that Savinar’s prescription for disaster survival did not include singing lessons.  Justin Timberlake’s overdub, however, meant that the film’s theme song “All I need is a 2 year supply of freeze dry, Ammo and You” reached the top of the pop charts. 

Also on the Film Front:

Peter Jackson and Richard Heinberg: As it became more apparent to both presidential candidates that someone had to be our Frodo, and take away the ultimate power of fossil fuels that threatens to destroy us, all eyes turned to Heinberg.  Even though he looks much more like an elf, Heinberg’s integrity convinced the new President and Vice President he could be trusted.  So, with various world leaders hitting their little-known “crack of doom” buttons (these are blue), Heinberg makes a perilous journey, documented by Jackson, accompanied by various strange companions (Ken Deffeyes as “Balon” Colin Cambell as “Greendalf” and Julian Darley as the heroic hobbit sidekick “Drippen”) to drop our power to control fossil fuels into the now open “crack of doom,” somewhere in New Jersey.

On Television, the new version of “Survivor” takes over with a new theme - participants must create a fully sustainable society that will enable everyone to surivive.  If they don’t, they will never be let off the island.

Van Jones, James Lovelock, Joseph Romm, Elizabeth Kolbert, Catherine Austin Fitts, Derrick Jensen and Vandana Shiva: The seven survivors  undergo physical and mental challenges as they attempt to hammer out a set of universal worldwide policies to enable our species to survive.  Despite some initial set-backs, as  when Van Jones and Fitts tell Jensen to shut up about his parents already, and when Kolbert and Lovelock engage in a mud-wrestling death match over nuclear power, ratings rise as they begin to craft a mission statement.  United by their desire to get away from one another, ultimately they create Utopia for humans and salmon alike.

 Meanwhile, ABC, trying to compete with the monster success of the new Survivor now creates

“Green Eye for the (Environmentally) Straight Guy” - Environmentalist guys with style - Colin Beavan (aka NoImpactman), Bill McKibben, permaculturist  David Holmgren and Ed Begley Junior dress in fine organic clothing and go around hunting down dorky energy hogs and restyling their lives.  Holmgren (”the cool one”) turns fertilizer guzzling “so yesterday” lawns into gardens, while Colin (”the sexy young one”) helps the hapless “Straight-out hogs” into a new, appliance free low energy lifestyle.  Begley (”the famous one”) gets the E-bikes passed out while McKibben (”the hot one”) explains the danger of planetary warming.  Grateful wives, daughters and mothers cheer them on as their loser husbands become eco-cool.

Don’t Forget Daytime TV:

After her first appearance on Oprah, Carolyn Baker becomes a regular guest, replacing Dr. Phil, who Oprah never liked anyway.  Led by Oprah’s warm questioning, Baker helps audiences recognizes the essentially bankrupt nature of their politics, culture and economy.  Providing a warm shoulder to cry on, Oprah and Carolyn team up to overthrow the growth economy, bringing about a national boycott of American women of all publically traded companies.  Victory gardens spring up in the shape of an “O” and Oprah pledges her personal fortune to create “post-growth recovery groups” and new steady-state economy credit unions, in a program headed by Baker.

Meanwhile Yours Truly  and Martha Stewart begin the “Post-Carbon Home Show” where we convert tasteless houses full of ugly appliances into old fashioned farmhouses with cistern pumps and heirloom chickens.  Despite a brief set-back when Martha has a mild stroke after seeing the inside of my home, and attempts to burn it to the ground as “the only way to deal with this disaster” the two of us create a new ethic of low cost, low energy peasant chic.  Martha’s prison ties prove valuable as white collar prisoners specifically from Wall-Street Crimes are set paying their debt to society by building rainwater cachement on low income housing.

Finally 

A new religion begins to pop up around the world, “Wendellism.”  The basic principles including agrarianism, low technology life, local knowledge, awareness of other life and the acceptance that “manure happens.”  Calling themselves “Mad Farmers” the members of this new faith quote St. Wendell of Kentucky, building temples in the shape of working barns on small polyculture farms.  Because the new members of this faith are passionate, it grows rapidly, to the blind horror of Wendell Berry, who has no desire to be so revered, but to the vast improvement of the earth.  Tom Cruise and Kirstie Alley publically abjure Scientology, L. Ron Hubbard and “all that mystical alien crap” and begin to farm by hand on what used to be the Hollywood Hills, and is now the celebrity city farm district.

 What?!?!  It could happen.

 Sharon

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Sharon April 24th, 2008

I thought it might be interesting to tell you how we’re stepping back a little from the thoughts of crisis today.  My boys and I are…inventing permaculture.  Shhh…don’t tell Simon and Isaiah this existed already.  They think it was their idea.

 You see, in his wonderful book _Gaia’s Garden_ Toby Hemenway mentions that three sisters gardens actually have a fourth sister, cleome serrulata, also known as Rocky Mountain bee plant.  We’ve been planning for some time to do a family 3 sisters garden - the kids have drawn pictures, helped me make a garden plan and chose varieties of corn, beans and squash.  When they heard that, of course we had to add a fourth sister, and while we don’t have that particular Cleome, we do have seeds of common spider flower, also a Cleome.  Will it work?  No freakin’ idea, but we’re going to experiment. 

Well yesterday, as we were out on the swings, Simon and Isaiah came running up with a new idea.  Could they make a Four Brothers Garden, one based on plants that were special to them and that would work together?  And…and…could they be plants that come back forever, so that they have them every year.  I swear - they thought of the whole thing themselves.

So we started to talk about what a Four Brothers Garden would look like.  We all agreed that Eli’s plant should be the biggest, and that it should be an apple tree.  Since Eli can eat a half bushel of apples in a weekend, this seemed important.  We have apple trees, but one more is always welcome.

Simon, being the next sized down kid wanted  a shrub, and I suggested a Goumi, since we don’t have any, they fix nitrogen and I want one.  And Simon likes the idea because birds like them and he likes to say “Goumi.”

Isaiah wanted to have the pollinator plant - he loves bees, bugs and humming birds, and wanted something red that would attract hummingbirds and other pollinators.  We picked some Bee Balm - good also because Isaiah loves to make salads with edible flowers.

Finally, Asher is the little guy, but with a big, pushy personality.  What could be better than comfrey, dynamic accumulator that it is, for its natural mulching pleasures.  Yes, it is a spreader and occasionally a PITA, but then again, so’s my kid ;-).

With just a little guidance from Mom, we’ve essentially reinvented the wheel.  But boy are the boys excited - and proud of themselves.  And it strikes me as remarkable what kids of four and six can accomplish when they put their minds to it.  Heck, permaculture summercamp - the next big thing!

BTW, http://green-phoenix.org/08-08-pdc.html I really wish I could go to this - I want to go to camp!  My relationship to permaculture is self teaching plus bugging some people I know to help me out - I’d love a chance to do a more formal program.  But I thought I would recommend it to those who don’t have four little tutors - and I’m told there’s some fundraising being done for those who can’t afford the full program.  

I’ve been invited to stop by and visit, and I might - although there are factors working against it.  First, there’ll be the goats to milk.  Second, there are the four kids and the lack of many people who really want us to dump them on them.  Third, there’s the driving miles - Rioting, y’know.  And finally there’s the real reason - I’m afraid Toby Hemenway will throw composting fruit at me ;-).  We had a little argument once, and I think he might be out for revenge - permaculturists are a rough bunch ;-).

Ok, must abandon the blog - the screaming in the yard suggests that it is now time for Mommy to encourage the children to reinvent non-violence.

 Sharon

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Sharon March 26th, 2008

Ok, the title is a little weird, especially for my very last post in this series.

You see, my littlest, Asher is a head first kind of guy - we calling him “the flying squirrel” because he thinks he can fly, as long as an adult is holding his hand (we hold on TIGHT).  He has no fear, merely boundless enthusiasm.  And when he was about 18 months old, he would yell “Bunt to the Whee!” when ever he was about to leap head-first into things. 

Well, it occurred to us that everyone needs a battle cry, and since “Spoon!” was already taken ;-), “Bunt to the Whee!” would do pretty well.  And just in case you don’t have a battle cry, I wanted to offer to share mine.  Because I think you might need one too. Enthusiasm, and the courage to screw up are what is needed to feed yourself these days.

The thing is, there’s lots of things to write about in terms of food storage and tons to consider.  But it is one of those things that takes time and practice, and gets immediately clearer once you start doing it.

The thing is, starting up any big project - growing food, storing it, preserving it - all of these things are overwhelming at first.  And despite my hubris in teaching this class, we certainly haven’t mastered it.  Every year we mess new things up, and forget old things and make new mistakes.  But every year we get a little closer to our goals - to having a reserve to share with others, and to living off our own homegrown and home preserved, to taking fewer trips to the store and to being able to accomodate guests at any time. 

The thing is, sometimes you just have to dive in even to know what you don’t know.  Sometimes you have to make foolish mistakes so that you can figure out what it is that you are trying to accomplish, or how to adapt an idea from me or someone else to your real life.  To an extent information can help.  And to an extent, it probably can’t - you just have to dive in.

So I offer you my son Asher’s battle cry - Bunt to the Whee!  Now is the time to dive in - to make that first bulk purchase, to save those first seeds, to start cooking one or two meals a week from storage, to try the pressure cooker or canning jam, to experiment with whether you can dry those things in the sun, to build that solar oven and try that new lentil recipe, to ask the farmer at the market about buying bulk peaches or your neighbor whether she wants to come over for a day of canning. 

This has been a lot of fun for me - I’ve organized my own thinking in a host of new ways, I’ve met amazing people and learned as much from others as anyone could have from me.  I’ve had a lot of requests to run this class again, and I think I will run it in August, during peak preserving season, with a greater emphasis on putting up the harvest.  There’s also talk of turning this class into a searchable CD-rom or even another book.  It is all very cool for me, and I hope it has been enjoyable for others.  And I admit, when I first thought of doing this, I thought I was nuts, and that it would be impossible, and that I didn’t know enough and should wait ten years.  I’m glad, instead, I took the flying squirrel approach and just dived in - it was wonderful.  

I also hope that people will keep emailing me and posting in the comments about what they are putting up and storing and buying and seeing in the market - because that was the very best part. 

For those who were registered for the class, there was a yahoogroup on which our discussion took place.  The members of the class overwhelmingly want to keep the food storage discussion group open and continue it, and I agree - it is a great class, with tons of great resources and materials and discussions.  And now that the formal class is over, we’d like to invite anyone interested in discussing this further to join the group.  All you have to do is to register through yahoogroups - you send a message to sharonfoodstorage-subscribe@yahoogroups.com.  For those who haven’t ever been a group member before, sometimes all the posts can be overwhelming, but if, after you register, you find yourself getting too many emails, go to the website through www.yahoogroups.com, login, and click at the top on “edit membership” which will allow you to either switch to digest form (one long email a day) or to (my personal preference) read posts at the website only. 

 But most of all, I hope you’ll all jump in, and not be afraid to make a mess of it.  The mistakes are part of the process, and the process is central to the project.  What project?  Well, economic security - saving money so you can either do other things that matter to you or keep your house and meet other needs.  Food security so that you can feed yourself and help out those in need around you.  Political action - so we can stop giving our dollars to industrial agriculture, and start voting with them for something better.  And a little step back towards democracy - the ability to no longer be beholden for the food in our mouths to corporations we abhore.  The chance to depend on and trust in our neighbors and those around us building real and good food systems.  Community.  Better food.  All those good things.

That’s why we need a battle cry.  This isn’t just about the rice or the garden or the canning jars.  This is a small but important step in making a better way of life.  And I admit, it brings me a great deal of joy to know that some people out there are trying new things and making changes.  I sort of think about it (of course, I’m clinically insane, as we all know)  and my own efforts as a whole bunch of us, holding up our seed packets, jar lifters, grain grinders (the not too heavy ones - we don’t want anyone getting hurt) and wooden spoons up above our heads, ready to take on the world and the screwed up food system!  BUNT TO THE WHEE!

Sharon

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Sharon March 11th, 2008

I hate to interrupt the flow of useful food storage information, but I must note that my governor apparently reads my blog and takes it very, very seriously.

 A while back, I posted an essay about what you should do with your tax return, and one of the choices was “Hookers, lots and lots of hookers.”  If you’ve been following the news, you’ll know that Spitzer apparently was concerned about the financial and environmental collapse of society and took this opportunity to use his Bush tax rebate (which I gather is significantly larger than my own, since this was no cheap prostitute, and there were inter-state flights involved) for one last hurrah. 

I’m sure we’re all shocked, shocked and appalled that an American politician would have sex with a prostitute.  But let us be sure and take the right lessons from this.  1. Always listen to Sharon, but do be aware, sometimes she’s joking. 2. If you are going to listen to me, show you have the brains G-d gave a squirrel, and do it in an environmentally sound way - had Spitzer used a local, homegrown, sustainably produced prostitute, rather than flying one around the country, he might never have gotten into trouble.

Ok, back to your regularly scheduled food storage class - and remember, important people are listening.  Shouldn’t you ;-)?

Sharon

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Sharon February 13th, 2008

This was not what I was supposed to be writing today, but all I can say is that my brain is a strange, strange place sometimes. Had the radio on, caught this song, and couldn’t get it out of my head (it isn’t like I’m even a John Denver fan, but stranger things have happened) until this came out.

If you don’t know the tune, the song is available through Itunes ;-).

Thank God I’m a Country Girl! (With apologies to John Denver)

Well, I was born right here, in these suburbs
Its where I catch my rain and where I grow my herbs
Walk the kids to school, and cross at the curbs
Thank God I’m a Country Girl!

With my husband and kids we’re ridin’ on our bikes
To the farmer’s market, y’know its quite a hike
Littlest one even does it on his trike!
Thank God I’m a Country Girl!

Well, I got me a fine life, got a green plan
I’m cookin’ homegrown in my cast iron pan
I can’t do it all but I’m doing what I can!
Thank God I’m a Country Girl!

I live in an apartment on the fourteenth floor
But you can see I’m green when you open up my door
Never owned no car so my feet get kinda’ sore
Thank God I’m a Country Girl!

Well a simple kind of life never did me no harm
My community garden is my own tiny farm
Thrift shop clothes have their own kinda charm
Thank God I’m a Country Girl!

Well, I got me a fine life, I got a green plan
I’m cookin’ homegrown in my cast iron pan
I can’t do it all but I’m doing what I can
Thank God I’m a Country Girl!

Its 33 miles to the supermarket
But I’ve no need for goin’, took the car and parked it.
Huntin’ my own and the deer ain’t remarked it
Thank God I’m a Country Girl!

We gone organic when I was just a bride
Now I’m a grandma and we’re riding with the tide
Hard times a’comin’ but folks are on our side
Thank God I’m a Country Girl!

Well, I got me a fine life, I got a green plan
Cookin’ up homegrown in a cast iron pan
I can’t do it all, but I’m doing what I can!
Thank God I’m a Country Girl!

We’re just folks who remember what we’re after
We’re not seeking riches, we’re really chasin’ laughter
Those that think we’re crazy, we know they’re daft-er
Thank God I’m a Country Girl!

Country’s not just a place, it is a state of mind
There’s earth under the feet of folks of every kind
The country and the future they belong to me and mine.
THANK GOD I’M A COUNTRY GIRL!

Sharon, who will be keeping her day job

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