Archive for March 25th, 2009

Whatever It Is, I'm Against It!

Sharon March 25th, 2009

I don’t know what they have to say,
It makes no difference anyway,
Whatever it is, I’m against it.
No matter what it is or who commenced it,
I’m against it.Your proposition may be good,
But let’s have one thing understood,
Whatever it is, I’m against it.
And even when you’ve changed it or condensed it,
I’m against it.
I’m opposed to it,
On general principle, I’m opposed to it! – Groucho Marx

It is definitely my fault that Simon thinks he’s Groucho Marx.  First of all, we gave him the middle name “Julius” which was Groucho’s name.  And then we introduced the boys to the movies – in fact, right now as a reward for something, Simon, Isaiah and Asher are watching the Marx Brothers hornpiping to the song mentioned above in “Horsefeathers.”  Oh, and they are plotting their Halloween costumes for next year – guess who?   The all important and ongoing “who gets stuck with Zeppo” debate engulfs us, ultimately to be resolved by Mommy threatening to take away the fake mustache of the initiator.

I’m starting to channel Groucho too, at least when I listen to the range of presented solutions to our problems.  Like Groucho, I’m starting to think that the best possible answer to any of the solutions coming from Washington or from nearly anyone who has a half-assed grasp of the fact that we have problems, but isn’t willing to actually stop running madly in all directions long enough to look at the root causes of those problems or the connections between them, is simply comic nihilism. ”Whatever your moronic rescue plan is, I’m against it – now will you get your large congressional-style behind and whatever you are imagining you are stimulating out of my way so I can get this wheelbarrow through and grow some rutabagas?”

Here are some things I’m against, in no particular order:

1. The Fed.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m very sympathetic to their position - it must be very frustrating to be so very powerful (able to destroy the future of millions of Americans and their posterity in a single blow) and so very powerless (completely unable to do anything to change how totally screwed the rich folks are). I truly grieve for those who see the suffering of Wall Street companies and find themselves transfixed by the tragic misery of their executives.  But I think at this point, the only thing left to do is excavate the skeleton of Alexander Hamilton (who despite his limitations would be appalled, and who almost certainly could power a section of Washington with the energy produced by spinning in his grave) and replace Tim Geithner with Hamilton’s corpse.  This will save on staffing, and improve the quality of the initiatives coming out of it..  We can import some Zimbabwean immigrants to run the printing presses for further savings.

2. The Democratic party, the Republican Party, the Libertarian Party, the Working Family Party, the Lazy Family Party,  the Green Party, the Communist Party, the Socialist Party, the Manichean Party, the Hemp Party, the Crystal Meth Party, the Party of the First Part…. 

3. The Media, especially the newspapers.  Ok, folks, you are on your way out of business in many cases.  You literally have nothing to lose if you tell the truth and do real, serious investigative journalism about the biggest story in American history – the destruction of a country that actually used to be worth something.  I do not mean the kind that most papers (there are a few important exceptions) are doing that show “Gasp, you mean the government knew about AIG’s situation and didn’t say…Shocked, I’m shocked and appalled…” but the kind that might actually help ordinary citizens (you know, those people you wrote for back before they became “consumers”) understand their future and prepare for it.  But we gotta keep Al’s Tuxedo Shop happy for one last ad, and Al doesn’t really like bad news.

4. Geoengineering as a solution to climate change.  Yes, for the very first time ever, engineers will produce solutions without any negative or unintended consequences.  The National Academy of Science’s solution to the problem of unintended consequences – “We’ve trained all our scientists never, ever to say “oh, holy fuck, I didn’t think it would do that!” out loud anymore.  They’ve also been warned they could be fired for uttering the word “oops” audibly.  That should take care of the problem.”

5. The word “biomass.”  The term you want is “forest”  And why be mealy mouthed about it – forests suck!  They aren’t even keeping the planet cool anymore, so what’s the point of all that unused potential cellulosic ethanol just looking pretty.  But yes, let’s transform all the organic material on the planet into fuel so we don’t have to stop driving our cars.   Or maybe we could turn it into electricity through the elegantly described “biomass co-generation” which really means “Who needs plant life, food or topsoil, when, after all, Steve needs his beer to be really, properly cold before he puts a redwood in his riding mower.”

6. People who are slowing down the apocalypse.  Like these folks I think most Americans are lazy slobs who simply aren’t doing their share to bring about the end of the world as we know it. 

A Department of the Interior report released Wednesday stated that there are 6 trillion such instances that could not possibly go any slower if they tried, some of which include budget meetings, shaving, the act of waiting, upward mobility, microwaving that lasagna, settling down and starting a family, walking from one place to another, searching for a misplaced item, returning to the place you initially walked from, air travel, 2009, and the time it takes for a sent e-mail to arrive in someone’s inbox.

There are thousands of us waiting here impatiently to actually need to eat our stored rice, fend off zombies and start really wiping their butts with that cloth toilet pape by necessity, and that doesn’t seem like the circumstances making this necessary will be in place before early May.  We’re Americans – we can do better than that!

7. Gay marriage. As they celebrate their 30th anniversary together, surrounded by their daughters, sons in law and grandchildren, I’d like express my anger at my mother and step-mother for modelling a lasting, family centered, loving, happy, religiously grounded marriage for my sisters and I, and virtually forcing us into similar relationships with our husbands. Not only are my mother and step-mother personally eroding family values left and right in their neighborhood (that guy around the corner from them who got divorced named them specifically, and their chickens,  as the root cause of his whoring and Jagermeister addiction), but my husband has informed me that because his values have been undermined by my lesbian parents, after we’ve been married 80 years, he expects to be permitted to date other people.  All I will be able to do is what any 105 year old being dumped for a 98 year old girlfriend would do – blame Mom.

8. The National Debt.  Who cares that we’re now well on our way towards third world country status, unable to dig our way out of our hole by oppressive repayment schedules that won’t end in anyone’s lifetime?  That’s not the problem – who can imagine that we’ll ever care about debt?  My objection is that I can’t get a longer than 30 year mortgage, but the government can get a home equity loan on my country that doesn’t have to be paid off until 2290?  I’m planning on using the US as a model and refinancing my home under the new “hundred year mortgage” plan, so that by the end of the loan period, I, my children, grandchildren and their  heirs and assigns have had the chance to pay 1.7 million dollars for my 80K mortgage.  If the country can afford it, so can I.

9. China – I’m deeply opposed to their plan to stop buying our treasuries and maybe even establish a non-dollar currency for trading useful things like oil, food and wool socks.  Don’t they realize they owe us – we bought their plastic crap for them.  We did it purely out of the goodness of our hearts – most of us felt that we really didn’t need a new “entertainment center,” vaginal freshening spray or “Hora dancing Elmo” but we knew that our brothers and sisters in China needed our help, so we bought them anyway.  Now it is China’s turn to help us in our time of need, by buying our increasingly worthless treasuries.  It is only fair.

10. Methane.  I’m deeply opposed to methane, and would like to suggest a resolution that respectfully requests the permafrost to stop melting, cows and congress to stop farting and Starbucks to recycle 4.3% of its coffee grounds.  After all, never let it be said that I don’t have anything positive to contribute.  I’m definitely against negativity.

That’s it – I’m against them all.  Those are my principles, and as Groucho once said, “If you don’t like them…I’ve got others.”