Sharon's Covert Ops Gets You a Look Inside the New Stimulus Package

Sharon October 22nd, 2008

There’s been a lot of speculation since Bernanke’s testimony before congress and Bush’s flip on the subject about what the next economic stimulus package might actually look like.  The assumption is that no such thing has been put together by congress or anyone else yet.  But in their tireless attempt to subvert what’s left of our democracy and shred the economy, the singing duo of Bernanke and Paulson have a plan – they never rest.

Or rather, they do, and this is how one of Sharon’s Washington Division operatives managed to get a hold of an advance copy of the new Economic Stimulus plan. Hank and Ben, exhausted from their work felt they were entitled to a little attention.  Ben lamented that despite their generosity and service, most of the country just takes, takes, takes, coming to them for salvation, cash infusions and those little attentions that a skilled banker can provide to slake a gigantic corporation’s needs.

Who then, cares for the needs of our tireless guardians of fascism?  Well, after tuneless choruses of their own rewrite of a Cass Eliot song,  ”Bernanke and Paulson/They’re gonna get it all, Son/And Wall Street, you know where that’s at/ and no one’s getting fat, ’cept Goldman Sachs” the party broke up.  Paulson retired to a room with a cadre of recently arrived Ukranian hookers and Mrs. Bernanke, and Ben took himself off with a bucket of scotch, one of the lewder volumes of Neitzche’s writing and  his “valet,” and the two enjoyed their preferred delights, leaving their stimulus plan briefly unattended with a professional lady not presently required for the acrobatics in progress in what was colloquially known as “Hank’s Grotto.”  Fortunately,  this woman was one of my operatives, willing to throw herself on Hank Paulson’s body (perhaps the greatest of all personal sacrifices) in order to find out what the next step in the rape and pillage of America is and expose it to public scrutiny on the blog.

The plan includes a full justification for the expenditure of 300 billion additional dollars to stimulate the economy in the economy’s special places.  Among the justifications likely to appeal to congress are “Future generations won’t be voting for you anyway since you’ll have dropped dead from a coronary long before they reach 18, so why not hose them” and “What’s a few more billion when we aren’t going to pay it back anyway” and “Your constituents are so dumb that they will be delighted to short themselves on another year’s tax return and then pay interest on it!”

Ok, onto the contents of this fascinating plan.  We feel here that full disclosure of all the details is central to understanding that the plan will contain elements that suggest that their goal is to relieve the pressures on ordinary consumers, but in fact, focuses primarily on stripping them of their assets, enforcing the status quo, reallocating what wealth is left upwards and  ensuring the Iceland does not go alone into that good night.  Of course, there are a few special gifts to the deserving as well.

Included in the stimulus package:

1. Underwater homeowners with large mortgages will be given the option of refinancing based on the national debt – instead of basing their payments on the fluctuating value of housing, they will be given the option of purchasing a portion of the national debt obligations, and making payment on them.  Their reward for this investment in society will be the right to live in their homes as long as they keep making payments until the federal budget is balanced, or until the sun burns out, whichever comes first.

2. In order to prevent China, the major lender to the US, from taking its money and going home, stimulus will be needed for China’s shaky toy industry.  Thus, every single American, regardless of age, will be given four Tickle-Me Elmos for their own private, personal use. (Ok, you do realize that I can hear your thoughts through the internet right now(courtesy of Google’s new feature “google brainwave”), and I’m shocked, shocked and appalled at the crude and immature level of thought occurring at this blog.  Especially you, Edson!)

3. Van Jones’s “Green Jobs” program title will be kept, but the program will be slightly revised, to provide jobs in environmentally friendly domestic service for poor urban dwellers.  Thus, black and hispanic urban workers will be given the chance to replace fossil fuel powered cars with rickshaws (participating white families will be given green leather riding crops to signal their participation and concern for the planet), dishwashers and vacuum cleaners will be replaced with servants and solar panels replaced with “guys running on treadmills to sustainably power rotating tie racks.”  Liberal incentives in the form of tax rebates, will be available to wealthy households who wish to cut their fossil fuel usage by participating in this ennobling program.

4. In order to increase access to credit for a populace increasingly indebted, in which one in six is already struggling with a mortgage or credit card payments, new “Liquidity, Sicilian Style” programs will be enacted to force consumers to take on more debt.  First, the prices of basic commodities like food and housing will be raised further to ensure that no American can actually live on their income alone, thus pushing into credit markets those selfish consumers who elected to live within their means.  Meanwhile, large men with “motivating tools” will accompany small business owners and ordinary Americans to their local banks where they will offer their children, elderly parents or salable organs as collateral for further loans.

5. Because, shockingly, previous economic stimulus failed to prime the pump of consumerism adequately (far too many elected to pay down debt), instead of offering tax rebates to be spent as citizens prefer, each American will receive coupons and gift cards, good only at participating retailers.  Walmart and McDonalds (who is offer an extra large fry with the redemption of any economic stimulus package) will specifically black out any nutritious food or high quality goods.

 6. Meanwhile, to revive the flagging housing starts, Toll Brothers will be commissioned to build another 90 million units of 3000 square foot single family housing on prime farmland - and to immediately demolish each one.

7. The growing number of Americans who are now homeless and living in their cars will each be issued a large red star (yellow was considered but deemed to come with inconvenient historical baggage) which must be publically displayed at all times.  This will aid police in removing them from Walmart parking lots, which economists believe been the primary force in retarding consumer spending.

8. To bail out the troubled airline industry, it will be consolidated with the growing market for cattle and hog feedlots so as to receive a full share of agricultural subsidies.  Between flights, planes, which are already designed to move people much as they do cattle, will be used as squeeze chutes for hog and cattle butchering.  The airline industry then will institute a policy of handing out courtesy wet-wipes to allow passengers clean the brains, manure and blood from their seats.

9. The entire remaining capitalization of social security and medicare will be placed on lucky sevens at a craps game with the Devil.  Sarah Palin will shoot for America’s senior citizens and Joe Plumber’s hopes of not spending his last years tied to a chair in his own excrement in an industrial nursing home.  Palin seemed unconcerned that the Devil plays with loaded dice, since she believes her moose-dressing skills and faith in God will serve her well.

10. In preparation for its eventual sale to oil rich nations – now the only people left with cash on the barrelhead – America will be given a paint job, thoroughly cleaned by legions of “green job” minions and each of the midwestern states will be turned into one, giant corporate farm, ready to contract its total agricultural production to a nation without food or water, but with plenty of oil. 

No wonder Ben and Hank are exhausted.  Poor guys – just let them sleep.


33 Responses to “Sharon's Covert Ops Gets You a Look Inside the New Stimulus Package”

  1. Karin says:

    Let’s not forget the new WPA program that will put all boys and girls over thirteen with a gun in their hand and a foreign exchange education in the war of their choice.

  2. Ani says:

    pretty sic Sharon :-)

  3. [...war of their choice] – very good! Of course, those whose families have pull or great wealth will be exempt in one way or another.

  4. [...] Casaubon’s Book » Blog Archive » Sharon’s Covert Ops Gets You a Look Inside the New Stimulus P… There’s been a lot of speculation since Bernanke’s testimony before congress and Bush’s flip on the subject about what the next economic stimulus package might actually look like. The assumption is that no such thing has been put together by congress or anyone else yet. But in their tireless attempt to subvert what’s left of our democracy and shred the economy, the singing duo of Bernanke and Paulson have a plan – they never rest. [...]

  5. MEA says:

    I really think number 7 hasn’t been fully thought through. How about issuing permits permistting people to live in their cars — and charging them for there red circles. Extend credit. And them, once they default, off the to treadmill with you.


  6. Nettle says:

    I lauged, but it was a really nervous laugh.

  7. squrrl says:

    Oooh, Sharon, you’re cute when you’re angry! ;-)

    On the whole, though, I agree with Nettle.

  8. Brenda says:

    Yeah, what Nettle said. And I thought, while reading, “wow, Sharon’s pretty pissed”… :-)

  9. e4 says:

    Gah! Curse you google brainwaves!

    Sharon, please save a portion of your economic stimulus package to buy me a new monitor, as you made me spit a drink on mine…

  10. texicali says:

    Heh, getting a little cynical are we? Yeah, a nervous laugh is in order.

  11. Brad K. says:

    Sharon, Whew! At least you aren’t bitter!

    It seems to me that the best stimulus package would be to rescind part or all of corporate income taxes. As Paul Harvey proved (to my satisfaction), you cannot tax a corporation – they either raise prices to customers (and deplete the economy) or reduce profits (and reduce -taxed – income of shareholdes), or just maybe drive them out of business (lose jobs).

    If you feel angry about the evil corporations, also repeal capital gains taxes on dividend distributions.

    Note – this should help small businesses much more than large corporations.

  12. Russ says:

    Pretty good, although I can’t help wondering -
    did your operative say what Bernanke sees in Nietzsche, given how (as any non-ignoramus knows) N was radically opposed to everything he stands for?

    (I’m always on the alert for slanderers of N, of which there are far too many.)

  13. Zach Frey says:

    You have a really dark gift for sick economic gallows humor. I admire that. :)

  14. Robyn M. says:

    Why do I have this really bad feeling that you didn’t make all of this up….?


  15. Susan says:

    Given the fact that large portions of the last corporate stimulus package (bailout) are redacted, this isn’t out of the bounds of possibility at all.

    Your last portion is most telling, and quite possibly prophetic. I can easily see us becoming a servant nation to countries with oil, endlessly in debt to them (as we already are) and endlessly producing food and commodities that do not benefit any of us, but go straight to them. Not that it will benefit their society at large either…only the ones who control the oil.

  16. D says:

    For approximately 30 seconds I thought #1 was for real. Which of course reflects entirely on the characters of Misters Hanky and Benny rather than on my own intellectual *ahem* prowess. ;-)

    And I’m with Susan in my concern that the last portion might be really for real at some point in the future. My husband and I are planning on renting (unless we can find a good rent-to-buy situation, which may not be likely right now) a place in the country and basically doing the cottager thing, but I worry that some distant government may enact policies which will require farmers to produce food primarily for export, disallowing us the right to eat what we grow or sell it locally. On one hand, I’d like to think I’m just losing my marbles a little, but on the other…who really knows what could happen?

  17. Liked it all—-snickered and smiled with you on every single part until you went negative on Palin.

    Even though I’m voting for Obama, I don’t find Palin to be the worlds worst woman. If she were a dem and wasn’t pro-life, the party would be hailing her as the smartest woman who ever lived. I find the hatred towards her pretty biased, really.

    Beyond that, we agree on EVERYTHING you wrote! :) You have a knack.

  18. Shamba says:

    oh dear, not only is the sky falling but the earth is shaking and sinking … :( This is an excellent piece about the events and the time we’re living in …

    I’m feeling so grim in general this morning, not much sleep last night because of my own issues, that I can’t even smile at your great writing! Sorry, maybe later I’ll get some laughter going later …

    A great job though as usual, Sharon … I do wish I had some peach brandy this morning … I love peaches but I suppose I’ll have to learn how to make my own!

    Peace to All,

  19. Kati says:

    I’m another one of the “gotta laugh or I’m gonna cry” types…. You had me chuckling. Scary. Hope it’s not as accurate as other “predictions” you’ve made recently.

  20. Hummingbird says:

    Ouch! Jim Kuntsler would die to have written this!

    I only hope your operative got some of it wrong.

  21. Greenpa says:

    When your operative is done there, I’d appreciate it if you would send her over here, to investigate some of my special places.

    Or two. Redheads, if you have them.

  22. Gina says:

    I must say anger is good for your writing!

    I am feeling rather angry in spirit today, as well. This post suited my mood perfectly. I much perfer anger to sadness, I find I work well will anger – I find it spurs me to be productive.

  23. sac says:

    Oh good gracious..this might the funniest (and scariest) thing I have read all day. I am sending this to friends.

    I disagree with the poster about Palin. If she were a dem and pro-life that would not excuse what she has done and said in her grab for power and prestige. I may not like dems or repubs but I would not wish her on my worst enemy.

    In full disclosure, I am a registered Independent.

  24. coleen says:

    I really love your column but must protest (no matter what your political side or morbid humor) at the comment about Sarah Palin shooting senior citizens. Please don’t soil your reputation that way. I know it is bad, I am hunkering down for the worst, but you of all people who tell us to be nice to our neighbors should remember we have a lot of neighbors in this very small word. Cheap shots just aren’t you. C

  25. annette says:

    Palin “the smartest woman who ever lived”?!! Good god, NormalMiddle, what planet are you living on? The woman comes across as one of the DUMBEST human beings who ever lived, possibly more stupid than the current occupant of the white house, hard as that is to believe. And worse, she has been unbelievably racist and allowed the ugliest sort of hate speech to go unchallenged at her political events. I am only marginally happier with the Democrats than the Republicans (they’re all pretty much owned by their corporate masters as far as I can see), but I think Palin is a sorry excuse for a human being and would be by far the worst Vice President we’ve ever had, making even people like Spiro Agnew, who was a total crook look good . . .

  26. annette says:

    okay coleen, now I really have to respond to you. Apparently you don’t know what a craps game is. Sharon did NOT say that Sara Palin would “SHOOT” senior citizens – she said Sara Palin would “shoot for” – that is “shoot” the DICE, which is what you play craps with, for senior citizens’ chances at retirement. As a very-nearly senior citizen myself, I appreciate this image and think it very likely that a McCain-Palin administration would cut social security, so I don’t think it is a cheap shot at all.

  27. knutty knitter says:

    Love it Sharon. Sometimes I’m so glad I’m not an American!

    viv in nz

  28. Hey Brad K:

    Actually historically taxing corporations is one of the best things you can do for the economy. Every time that whole “Drop corporate taxes and jobs will happen” thing has been tried, it has failed miserably. When you charge corporations a decent tax rate and then put more of that money in the hands of people, it works out better.

  29. Sharon says:

    I definitely did not suggest that Palin would shoot senior citizens ;-) . Actually, I didn’t malign her that much – at worst, I implied that she didn’t get that playing dice with the devil is never a winning game.


  30. conchscooter says:

    I find this package so stimulating I’m ready to throw myslef between Ben and his valet. Just as I did between Joerg and his deputy chief.

  31. Ay, pretty depressing indeed. I do hope the play of events doesn’t quite turn out like Sharon described; I’m generally of a mind that things always end up not as bad as we fear and not as good as we hope- simply mixed. Every time I go to the New York Times website, I wonder what the economic headlines will read, it seems like it swings up and down every day.

    Along with somebody else, I’ve started up a group blog, which is the website I’ve linked to, trying to get a grip on all of this economic/ecological/building -a-better-future stuff, in a holistic way. Anybody is more than welcome to comment on what we’ve written so far, and our hope is to have lots of different writers on it, putting in their different perspectives. If you want, check it out.

    namaste, Geoff

  32. RC says:

    I loved the run down, but I think the oil rich nations and a couple of others pretty much already own the 50 States and they bought them “as is” so the shining up won’t really be necessary.
    I do realize that satirizing the absurd is a difficult task. Living in a third world country for 30 years I saw a long time ago that Kafka’s take on the legal and bureaucratic traps were actually very mild. Try obtaining business permits in Puerto Rico sometime and you will see the direction the US is headed.
    The “bail out” or “buy in” strategies being improvised in DC each day are straight out of some kind of bizarre alternative economic universe, but yet, all too real, and thus, very scary.
    They are funny, really funny, but not “funny ha-ha”, as my Mom always says.

  33. Andrew says:

    I couldn’t laugh – perhaps I’ve seen too much. Perhaps because I take the transit system through downtown each day to see all the newly homeless beggars. Or the lost young adults dealing in drugs and sex to survive in the hopeless consumer reality. All this in a well-off oil and gas town!

    The American Experiment collapsed in 30′s, with various indulgent anarchies (military, corporate, markets, etc.) from then on in. The reasons behind the recent excesses on Wall Street is that collectively we’re outstripping ecological and resource systems. The 40′s-60′s were a blip since the exploitation rate was set so high we were giddy with delusional expectations. Thus, for the rich to get richer, then the poor (middle class) must get poorer. And it has gotten bad enough that the transfer of wealth has achieved epic multi-generational levels.

    So, with apologies to Sharon and the other contributors, I really can’t laugh right now, which I accept is just my hang up. But I can’t keep my growing fear bottled up. I have grown fearful of the social dimension to the problems we face – once multi-generational expectations are set, how likely is it for peace, governance and good order to adjust the in-place systems. I fear a protracted, asymmetrical class war is about to begin.

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