Screwing It Up - A Manual For the New Home Preserver
Sharon March 19th, 2008
Up until now, we’ve been focusing on doing things right, on what you should do. It is time to shift our focus on to my personal failings (always one of my favorite topics ) and discuss what you should *not* do when storing and preserving food. I would feel remiss if I did not offer you this useful advice. Of course, being a food storage goddess, I’ve never actually done any of these things, but a very dear friend did .
1. When you store many heavy jars of home-canned food on metal shop shelves, do not glance into the storage area and notice that the shelves are bowing and have an odd tilt to them, and then think “that’s interesting” because you have another urgent project in your head, and close the door and not do anything about it. Not that I would know, but if you do so, you may experience a giant crashing noise, tiny pieces of pickle-scented glass in everything, a godawful mess and an extended period of cussing.
2. When you make daikon kimchi, do not put the jar lids on very tightly and then forget that you have it fermenting, unless you enjoy a kimchi scented kitchen and the sight of bright red korean pepper liquid dying your ceiling.
3. Do not every convince yourself that you will get around to labelling the buckets…eventually. Do it now, or accept that you will never figure out what’s in them without unpacking them.
4. Do not leave the lid off the oatmeal bucket and your two year old unattended while you talk on the phone. Do get used to picking little things out of the oatmeal bucket before you eat them for a while afterwards. Do not think too hard about what the things are.
5. Unless you are sure your family is the sort of family that eats pickled figs, do not pickle figs - there are better uses for them.
6. Do not lose the little magnet thingie that allows you take the metal jar lids out of the boiling water without a big hassle. When you do lose it, make sure the tongs you are using to get the lids (with giant hassle) are long enough that you don’t dip your fingers in the boiling water while chasing the lids around. Keep bandaids in kitchen.
7. Do not pick the tomatoes with no clear plan about when you are going to get to them. Do not convince yourself that during a spate of 95 degree weather, a bucket of tomatoes will keep on the counter for just one more day. Do not think the fruit flies will go away easily.
8. Do not expect your spouse or partner to believe you when they ask where all the dried sweet peppers and blueberries went to and you shrug and blame the children. Do not even try to look innocent.
9. Do not expect to hang up herbs to dry like the pretty pictures without tiny bits of dried herb ending up all over the place.
10. Do not think that the children will buy the “black currant is just as good as strawberry” argument.
11. When reading the recipe for ginger-pear chutney, do not think “that doesn’t sound like enough ginger - I’ll just triple it and see how it goes.” Do expect to be the only one eating ginger-pear chutney for a decade or so.
12. Do not think you are done preserving just because you’ve had a hard frost. You forgot about the green tomatoes, greens, cabbages and roots!
13. Do not think that just because you did something right last year, you can’t screw it up this year. Hubris is always punished.
14. Do not accept “well, maybe this is how it is supposed to smell/look as an answer. Throw it out!
15. Do not think that anyone will ever let you get away with buying commercial pickles or jams again - once you start, you are stuck for life.
Ok, I’m off to Boston for a wedding - more next week!
Sharon