Get Out the Deprogrammers!
Sharon July 16th, 2009
So I have to share with all of you one of the funniest things I’ve heard in a while.
A reader of mine emailed me telling me that she went on vacation and got together with an old college friend. One of the first things that the friend said to her was that two other mutual friends “had joined a cult.”
“It’s run by a crazy woman!”
My reader ventured a guess, “Sharon Astyk?”
And her friend said “Something strange like that.”
Wow, I’m a cult! And I haven’t even worked out my theology or the role of space aliens - gotta get on that!
I’ve got to get a cult uniform - I’m told that white pajamas are very in, although how I’ll manage to keep mine white I have no idea.
The forms for signing over your entire income to “for the greater good” will be up on my blog very soon now, I promise 
.
My reader tells me that she did get the outraged former college friend to admit that she was planning on growing a garden if she lost her job, and that maybe, just maybe, it would be a good idea to start one sooner, rather than later, if you plan to feed yourself from it.
That’s just the first step - the garden is just part of my evil plan. I’m expecting her to sign over her free will by Sunday .
Sharon, who has to come up with a cooler name for herself than the one she was born with.
- humor
- Comments(74)
On a similar note, I was debating the reality of climate change with an acquaintance of mine. He claimed that ‘they’ just want the power to make us all live in windowless concrete houses and eat porridge out of the same bland pot. (His actual words . . . I remember them well!) As I went to bed that night, I started envisioning the climatologists of the world closeted in a dark laboratory, wringing their hands in wicked glee and cackling in unison, “It won’t be long now, my pet, and we will have the power to make them all eat porridge out of the same bland pot!” My husband couldn’t understand why I was laughing so hard that tears were running down my cheeks!
PS If I’m a member of the cult, do I have to give you my first born grandchild? Not sure how this works . . .
Dirt-colored pajamas?
I guess the good news is within a year or two many of the current deniers will regret their denial, and will be resolutely gardening, making over, and making do.
We won’t need to have any “I told you so” moments.
Reality will force many to adopt common sense ways.
On a similar note, my mother recently discovered that her very Appalachian neighbors believe her to be a witch. Not a neo-pagan who practices magic-I doubt they know that such a thing exists. Just an old-fashioned witch.
So, how do they figure you run this cult via internet? Actually, that does make me wonder. ARE there internet cults? Hmmmm.
Hey Sharon, my kids have called Homesteading Today a cult for years. They think I am brainwashed!
Your name fits what you’re doing just fine - you’re “sharin’” lots of good information, which makes you a sharin’ Sharon.
My first-born child is a good, hard worker, and would play well with your boys, I’d bet. But I’d really, really miss him unless I could come, too!
It’s the zombie paste roaming through the internets and infusing our brains.
And the only thing to make me wear white pajamas would be a cult. But then I’d get kicked out cause they’d end up dirt colored no matter how hard I’d try.
Actually, it’s more than possible for others to create a cult around you without your knowledge or permission - this is in fact a time-honored way of creating a religion. Just look at the multitudes of Christian churches or Buddhist sects and compare them to the teachings of their respective masters!
(Keep us posted on how the omnipotence thing is coming along - come to think of it, if you get there I’m sure we’ll all know!)
I have to say that the argument winning comment in our house is, “But Sharon said…”
And despite multiple relatives and ex-girlfriends named Sharon we all know we’re referring to The Aztec. Which is how your name is pronounced around here and makes you sound less like a cult leader and more like a gangster. You make civilizations disappear…
If we take the white pajamas and add a brown kind of tiedye, it might work! Or paisley’s are good.
Related to sqrrl, my community already thinks I am a witch, all herbal, natural and such. *shrugs*
Where do I sign up!
I’m an Episcopal priest-I think I can scare up some nifty vestments for you: lots of brocade and gold thread. But you’ll need a turban, I think. We’ll work on the theology later…
Good to see you posting today, I didn’t think I would be able to go a whole week without while you were gone.
LOL at the tiedye, now THAT would be a good uniform,
Hmmm…I don’t think you need a theology, actually. All you really need to do is start talking about Love and the Interconnectedness of All Things, and how this means we are all gods and that you are here to help us realize this important fact by composting our poop. Then we will worship you as the super-duper-mega-ultra-goddess and gladly sacrifice to you our secret stashes of not-fair-trade chocolate.
I’m not sure how you would go about impregnating the impressionable and virile youths, however. That might take some doing.
My wife says I,m crazy for upstate New Yorkers because I can’t wait to read your blog along with Kunstler’s every Monday. Maybe there are really cults in upstate N.Y.
Also, in the name department, I’m kind of partial to Tzvi Devi.
Yes, Directrix Sh’Astyk, we hear and obey!
I cannot imagine getting this group to agree on a favorite tomato variety, let alone a “leader”, so I don’t think you’re really in much danger of cultification—sorry to say, since it seems you were looking forward to the whole ruling the (small, weird and vulnerable subset of the) world part. But you know, it’s worth thinking about… with some hard work, and maybe tweaking your messaging a little, you could reach out to some less thoughtful, independent people.
You should definitely carry a scythe as part of your do-up.
White footie js?
Can I be the Astykian Bishop for Canada? Surely a cult needs regional structure and a local to rule on such important topics as home made green or red salsa.
Well, the “Sharon says” line used to be guaranteed to invoke a heated discussion or at least an eye roll around here until last fall when the economy tanked. My pals think I’m an older hippie-chick (I was too young for the movement the first time around), and they love my herbal remedies. I keep trying to get them to read the blog so they’ll belong to the cult, too :=).
Haha!
I vote for uniforms of solely thrifted items or hant-knitted items of hand-spun wool from your own animals. Or perhaps something hemp.
Clearly everyone will have to grow their hair long, but not wash it. (I’m half-way there!)
How about “The School of Astykian Philosophy?” (not school as in a building, but more as a group of thought/thinking, or a movement, like in art).
I just like the sound of “Astykian.” Can’t wait to use it in conversation.
As-kick-ian?
We could dye the uniforms with onion skins … they would be a lovely pale brown colour.
Or tea … but tea isn’t local to most of us.
And perhaps we could have a choice of pajama-style pants or a good long skirt?
And I don’t think you can convince me to sign over my entire fortune, brainwashed or not - (besides, my teeny tiny “fortune” wouldn’t be worth the paperwork) but you could charge an a mandatory annual fee of x varieties of heirloom seeds.
I like Astykian, too; must immediately begin referring to myself as one. I vote for denim overalls and scythes, for the uniform. (Though how that’s going to work with the brazen hussy look, I don’t know. We may need two uniforms).
And can we be barefoot? Well, except for where there are thistles or stinging nettle. I’m a wimpy sort of cult member.
Just saw Sunshine’s comment, and I like her idea better. Long skirts, and perhaps a busty sort of blouse. With a scythe.
I’ve been actively recruiting for your cult. Its all part of the evil plan. Most of the people I know already think I’m weird, but weird apparently grows on people these days. All of a sudden people are asking me about the weird things I do. Hmmm, might all be a conspiracy.
This is definitely the first time a group of people has ever riffed on my last name without a single obscenity or indecent act being referenced
.
You folks are very kind.
Sharon
Oh glorious leader, please send a framed portrait of yourself with scythe, so that I may hang it in my chicken coop
Think the FedEx man is a likely candidate
…wouldn’t leave today after he saw the bees and the garden and chickens…my DH was getting hoarse talking “country” to him…
Personally, I like old cutoffs, Pa’s shirt, worn out Birkies if we have to have a uniform…maybe just a ball cap with a secret insignia??? DEE
I was going to suggest a uniform made of recycled sackcloth, but then I remembered there is already a local guy here who tends his goats while wearing sackcloth. He keeps appearing before the courts as his lack of underwear and the failure of his somewhat skimpy robes to cover certain parts of his anatomy is apparently offensive to passing female cyclists
Yes all this sounds great - but you must have an alien connection - all proper cults have an alien connection. Perhaps - a beanstalk that will grow to Mars so in the event of global collapse we will climb it and escape?
Magic beans, a gift from the crop circle aliens.
Whatever the uniform turns out to be, we need summer and winter versions. The winter version has to be flannel lined. Plus the winter uniform needs to include wool socks. Otherwise I’ll have to pass on joining …
Earthworms are our alien masters, placed here on this planet many millenia ago to dominate us. We must compost religiously to serve our masters. Otherwise they will not bless us with good crops. Hail, O Earthworms! Hail, Priestess Sharon!
No uniform (summer anyway). In the buff!
Ok, so:
http://www.startyourowncult.com/
I think you might find the answers to your questions. Sign me up!
(And the aliens would definitely make you more legit.)
I like the denim overalls, but worn with only a good sports bra underneath the top part. That should take care of the brazen hussy look, yeah? (Oh, sure, those of you who can get away with going braless under one of those things, be my guest. I’m not sure the world is ready to see ME that way, though.) Definitely the scythe, too. Love good props…er, tools.
Or tie dyed green and brown hemp. Hemp dyes well, and the color scheme should take care of *most* of the interesting stains we’ll encounter.
Sadly, I haven’t introduced my husband to Your Glorious Leadership yet. How do you suggest I do so? (We’re already halfway to picking up a copy of “When Technology Fails…” so we’ve at least broken ground. Speaking of which, he built some kick-a$$ tomato structures for me this year, so maybe it wouldn’t take more than a little nudge….)
My worldly possessions consist mainly of fabric, cats, and belly dance costumes. Not sure they’d be useful to the cult as a whole; probably not worth the paperwork. Maybe the cats — the youngest thinks she is quite fierce. The library ain’t going nowhere, though.
fantastic! We will all follow you like the sheep. (BTW, since you talked about sheep in NY, I got looking around here and realize they’d be perfect where we are…. little lambs here we come)
Here’s what I wrote when I “shared” this on google reader:
“My condo garden is where the space ship will land. Must buy more tomatoes, must repot kale… All hail Queen Sharon!”
But now I really prefer Kat’s Earthworm Overlord comment.
My greatest fear for we coreligionists is what will happen if telecommunications (for the public, anyway) isn’t prioritized in a low-energy future. Who will keep the internets running? I’m pretty sure if things get that bad we won’t have the postal service anymore either. How will our doomsday cult survive in a post-apocalyptic world without our daily instructions from our Queen? I mean, A Nation of Farmers is good, but how many times can we reread it saying “I told you so” before things get tedious?
-We could dye the uniforms with onion skins … they would be a lovely pale brown colour.
I just bought some madder and fustic. I feel rather like a witch…
*chants anciently*
We need a special hand signal or tattoo so that we can recognize each other on the street. Ideas? -Shosh
Hmmm .. . maybe that Queen idea is a good one, so as not to interfere with the Jewish farmer thing. I like the overall and sportsbra uniform, for winter one can add various appropriate layers such as handmade or thrifted sweaters.
Laurie in NM & others with non-converted spouses - juice some of your local fruit and then let it naturally ferment into a potent brew. Liberally ply with brew while chanting Astykian mantras:
“Plant thy seeds and harvest daily.”
“Preserve thy food for the children.”
“Waste not that ye shall not starve.”
“Prepare for the End is Coming!”
Now go, go drink your brew, and send your money to the Astykian Witch!
Well, Mike, I have been concerned about the lack of communication services as well, but I am sure that our clever and resourceful priestess will overcome such obstacles - perhaps with MIND CONTROL!! I mean, since we’re a cult anyway, she must have some kind of mind control, otherwise we’d all wake up, realize the folly of our ways, put down the seeds and the hoes, and go for a long and meaningless drive in our Hummers, which we bought on credit using collateral that we don’t have! So don’t worry - everything is fine - nothing bad is going to happen to us - technology is the answer - oh, no wait! That’s the other side’s mantra!
Sharon- does this mean we’re all coming to live on your farm while we await the arrival of the space ship?
Since this earth isn’t going to last much longer anyway, when the zombies of the apocalypse arrive we can just hop on that space ship and travel to another earth-like planet somewhere out there. Of course we’ll have to bring some plants and animals with us. Almost like Sharon’s Ark.
But I like this planet! Can’t we seize control of world order, and force climate change regulation on everyone instead? We could make the dissenters live in in windowless concrete houses and eat bland porridge out of the same pot.
Off to don my coveralls and sports bra, while fermenting potent brew …
I think the uniform definitely must be dyed with onionskin, or with potassium permanganate, which can double in a pinch to cure fungal ffot infections.
as to religious symbol - a many armed Shiva figure holding scythe, hoe, seeds, fruit, grain sheaf, carder, needle, watering can, hammer and saw. and standing on a globe. And anything else you might want including a Cadeucius for medicine.
Okay really long time lurker here, but you all have me LMAO!
As to the earthworms as our alien overlord comment. (Good one BTW)
How do the worms feel about our chickens? I’m pretty sure my local alien overlords are probably getting ready to infest my brain by now to get relief from the chickens.
Also lots of witches in this cult. Glad to know I’m among friends here, as my neighbors all know I’m the local witch. So we must add some crone gear to our cult uniform. Brooms perhaps?
Ah , but the chickens are part of the grand plan. The chickens eat the worms (willing sacrifices, dontcha know), we eat the chickens, and/or their eggs, et voila’! The worms are part of us! I’m sure they have other means of working on our vegan counterparts, worm castings, perhaps. Are there a lot of witchy folk in this cult? So hard to tell . . . . Makes sense, though. BTW, I love the Shiva figure as our symbol!
All hail to the great chicken goddess in her long hempen robes with the worms around her feet and the scythe ready to fell the unconverted.
Let us partake of her heavenly brew and bow our heads in supplication to the number and beauty of her cats.
May her many arms never fail us………
now THIS is what I call a cult!
viv in nz
Everybody,
Thanks 2,000,000 for giving me a much better mental “place” to be when the neighbors or family members give me the “what are you, some kind of witch?” look. Actually, they don’t look at me. They look past me at the garden, or the rainbarrel, or the wood pile, or the drying garlic, or the compost pile.
It reminds me of the advice to nervous public speakers, to envision your audience in their underwear.
Now I will have visions of Sharon in any number of cult leader outfits, scythes (love the scythes), worms, leagues of garden-farmers in overalls and sports bras (do the guys have to wear sports bras?), fists full of compost and turnips, surrounded by flocks of chickens, ducks, goats, and guinea fowl.
And I can think to myself, “How I long to be with MY people.” And I will crack up.
It’s going to make some days much more tolerable.
Thanks again.
I like the concept of earth worms being alien life. As for men wearing sports bras…well just take a look at the size of male boobies. Marketing something not called male sport bras might be successful and income producing.
A Nation of Farmers is good, but how many times can we reread it saying “I told you so” before things get tedious?
Hey, it worked for the bible…
I like the Shiva image, surrounded by sheep and earth worms , carrying a scythe and other implements. Sounds very cluttered.
Thanks Sharin’ Aztec
LOL! “Sharon says…..” has been heard around here more than a few times too!
I think one of the arms has to be holding a baby on her hip, or breastfeeding.
First, Sharon is an adorable, name, worthy of respect and admiration.
Please don’t think of cults, and watch movies like “Head Office” and “Hamburger: the Motion Picture”. Or “The Happening” *shiver*. Would you consider slogans like, “Take this green and eat it!” or “Raising green power” or “We are all here, because we’re not all there” - wait, that is a bumper snicker hanging on my refrigerator. Never mind. Do we have to get funny haircuts? Some cults use funny haircuts to set their members apart (helps identify them if they try to run away). The Navy shaved my hair fairly close when I joined, and they always chased down the guys that tried to run away.
I think undyed cotton would be a fine material for a uniform. Please post the pattern when you can. And perhaps we should be thinking of homespun, and how to accomplish *that* minor task. Maybe just the tunic top, simple drawstring pants, focus on locally available materials, maybe a discrete “Sharon Astyk Wants Your Garden To Feed Humanity After The Oil Barons Destroy The World” or something.
Cheers!
Hey . . . I already wear tunic tops and simple drawstring pants!!!! uh oh.
Hi Sharon, I spent the day in Mt.Hope Ohio at a beautiful Amish farm where the Small Farm Institute presented a Family Farm Field Day. Joel Salatin was the key-note speaker and in one of his talks he mentioned your upcoming book -A Nation of Farmers!! I thought that was pretty neat and I can’t wait to read the book.
Oh, you guys are the best entertainment anywhere! I’m so happy to be part of this cult.
I love the vision of Shiva-with-farm-implements-and-baby, the earthworm aliens, and the vision of Sharon in hempen robes!
Whaddya know: I’m an Astykian and proud of it!
“When I grow up, I wanna be crazy like Sharon.”
Please consider floppy hats rather than baseball caps. Floppy hats keep off more sun & rain. I like coloring our clothes with natural dyes.
On a more serious note, have you guys noticed that local stores including Wal Mart are not stocking shelves very deep? In case of storms or other problems, this presents real problems.
BettyJane, Yes, I’ve noticed stocking levels at several different kinds of stores, from large, general stores like WalMart to hardware stores all seem to be noticeably lower.
With a breakdown in our transportation system or something else, it won’t take long to use up what’s on the store shelves. With small business and manufacturing experiencing great difficulty securing loans enabling them to purchase products for distribution and resale, a different form of crises emerges.
According to CNN Money 7/18/09, over 650,000 have used up their initial unemployment benefits. Although some states may have differing benefit extensions, more and more people are in deep trouble. While I agree that people may have to work at whatever, sometimes there are no jobs. The US doesn’t seem to have any publicized plans about what to do next.
If Sharon is going to have a cult she needs to set up an ashram or kibbutz out here in Northern California or Oregon. It’s absolutely de rigeur for all new cults to set up somewhere north of San Francisco. Admittedly the buddhists, Sikhs and Starhawk have snapped up all the easy pikins but we Astykians are a tougher lot.
We can just wait till the next round of wildfires and buy a ranch while it’s still smoldering. No worry about deep snows either. Ok, it was 105º today but there’s no problem with snow. We grow figs, grapes, oranges and avacado’s here…..
Just saying.
Betty Jane- The almost unspoken plan here in California is to put people to the curb to fend for themselves. The major stores out here are well stocked but many smaller stores are falling short.
Still calling the bottom every single day on NPR.
Betty Jane — I was at a number of smaller stores this weekend and noticed definite signs of distress and lowered levels of stocking. Some of it has to do I’m sure with diminished discretionary spending (music stores, fabric stores) but some it I think has to do with constrained business credit which may be affecting even bigger chains.
Another symbol suggestion here…
I was sitting writing at the computer the other day when I noticed my dogs, cats and a chicken all lying together in a circle on the rug. (We’re getting the animals used to the fact that they’re not each other’s food).
So the dogs were on the outside with the black dog on the left curve, the brown dog on the right curve. The cats were curled up together in the center (orange cat on the left, black cat on the right) with the chicken (a gold toned amaricauna) perched on the black dog’s head.
It was a farmer’s yin/yang!
Well, The Garden is where it all started, and it was Eve who first got friendly with the serpent.
You’re busted! (where do I sign up?)
“eating porridge out of the same bland pot” has now become something of a slogan around my house.
I think the cult uniform should be something simple, inexpensive and easy to make. Loincloths are always in fashion. Well, historically speaking, at least..
Well I am a seamstress, production seamstress at that, so when the overalls get thin and the sports bras lose their stretch… well I am here for you all. I have been an earth mother for so long that people don’t even notice anymore. Except that suddenly now I am trendy!
I know……. robes of felted cat hair and chicken feather capes for wintertime.
Selwar kemeez — cotton for summer, wool or (inc. popular in NJ, velor for winter) Dupatta need to be discarded or bound tight to body when it could be caught in something, but otherwise can’t think of a draw back.
Unisexed.
Of course, even simpler, sari or dohti.
So are we required to tithe? If so I want to be the archbishop for the midwest so I can receive tithes!